WHEN RELATIONSHIPS HURT US

Mothers Day just passed and I know a lot of us out there sent our love out to our mothers. Mothers who kept us going when we thought we couldn’t move on. That encouraged us to get past our failures, to get up and keep trying. That life gets better. That we can do more than we ever imagined. They gave birth to us, put up with us, shed tears when we went out on our own. They showed us love that we didn’t really get till we got older. We didn’t really understand till we looked back objectively and understood all that they sacrificed for us and how when we fell they held us up, put band aids on our wounds and loved us into health.

But, not all mothers have been good to their kids. In us, all of us is a brokenness that can spill out and affect others. Some are so broken, that they don’t treat their own children with the love and affection that they should. When their child fell, they mocked them and told them they should have been more careful. When they failed, they say to stay down and stop trying because the child will never be able to do anything right. When the child is hurt and bullied at school the mother might even imply it’s their own fault and that they should stop being so strange and just fit in. Broken people raising up and damaging their own flesh and blood.

It’s hard to fathom, but it happens more often than we care to admit. Sometimes we do it ourselves as parents. We compare our children subconsciously instead of looking at them objectively and with love. Sometimes we scold when we should love. Sometimes we sigh, when we should embrace our children and let them know we love them. We all have our bad days when we lash out in anger when we should be honest and just say we’re having a bad day and that we need to be loved.

The last year or so has been a time where I have been off work and been able to look at myself and my weaknesses and strengths. I don’t claim to be a perfect dad. There are days when I get upset easy, there are days when I’m outright angry and I take it out on my family when I shouldn’t. But I always let my kids know that I am not perfect and some days are better than others. I still try to create more good memories than bad. I still try and be as good a dad as I can, because they deserve it. I try to love them as best I can. I cringe even when I know I’ve screwed up and maybe something I said or did will sit with them even after I’ve said I’m sorry…and that they might hold resentment towards me for a long time. But in it all, I still show my love.

Not everyone though understands what real love is. It took me a LONG time to understand it. I’ve been abused by outside forces and it really hampered my ability to look at relationships with people around me objectively and in a healthy way. In fact, it caused me at times to be hypersensitive to points where I was easily offended and just didn’t want to interact with people at all.

Yesterday at church was one of those days. I didn’t get a lot of sleep and was feeling hyper sensitive. One thing wrong happened and it just triggered inside of me a, “I can’t stand being around these people, they do not appreciate me or love me. They use me for what I can do instead of who I am.” It was like I was a child all over again. I felt like my relationships were damaged and people had hurt me just like when I was a kid. I wanted to withdraw and even told my wife I’m resigning.

Today is a new day though. I’ve had to sit, pray and think about everything. Bounce my feelings first off God, then off others. I was being hypersensitive to my relationships and even maybe my role in Church and life. I was ready to throw in the towel when people rubbed me the wrong way and hurt my feelings, whether they knew it or not.

Funny thing is, this is life. And I’m not talking about being abused, like my example of the mothers that are so broken they actually intentionally put down their own flesh and blood, but I’m talking about the every day. I’m talking about the days when we rub each other the wrong way and just want to either punch everyone out, or walk away and give up. These are called, real life days and in the end real relationships.

I think the center of all this is realizing first; other people are not perfect, just like us.

1 John 1:8

If we claim we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

Recognizing we are ALL sinners, that we are in nature selfish and want to do our own thing, is the first step in relationships. When this clicks, we have a lot more mercy on those that ‘offend’ us and are maybe just having bad days. That is the key to not flipping out on them and being ultra sensitive.

Secondly, this verse helps us realize that most things are caused by not only others selfishness but our own. How often do we squarely blame others for what upsets us instead of looking at things less emotionally and maybe more spiritually? What is it GOD is trying to teach us first about ourselves, and second about others?

When we ground ourselves in this…we don’t NEED to flip out nor should we want to.

And I’m not saying we don’t be emotional. That’s part of who we are has human beings. But we can’t let emotions control us. We can let it lead us down paths where we aren’t being rational. We need to make sure we are being object and not hyper sensitive to things. Pausing, praying and asking God what it is that’s going on and how can it be fixed, could save a LOT of presently broken relationships.

In my next blog I hope to deal with disappointment in people. How do we handle it and why does it happen?

Take care!
David